Desperation

In the darkest depths of desperation cavern
men with purpose shine like beacons
though they reek of blood and bowel

These desperate men may be found near bottom
though the fight within may see the top
of whatever challenge piles upon them

Driven and most desperately hoping to feel
they rise and rise again looking for
success to rise from such fallow field.

Mental Illness

Does the fact that I hate everyone around me make me crazy? At what point can you decide that the people around you deserve to be hated?  Is that mental Illness? They continuously do rude uncharitable inconsiderate things and I get more and more tired of them.. Wanting them to be as grown up as I have to be when they are older than me? Does that make me crazy for despising and loathing them?

At what point do my feelings become normal instead of every instant of my growing anger being more and more wrong with me?

Does anyone here care about what my feelings are around here?  When SHE says of her daughter: She is slow and easily distracted and plans too much and whatever you can't be mad at her for that... Is that true? I always thought if someone is late to meet you, late for supper late for pick-up late in general it shows a lack of respect for the person you're showing up late to.  When you have a job interview you make sure you're not late because you know it will cost you the job.  How is that different when someone gives you a dinner time and you show up late? Sure it doesn't cost you a job but does it show any respect for the one who sweats and labors over making a tasty dinner?

I am under the assumption that everyone who lives with me thinks I have a mental illness,  Does that make them right?  Can't we assume until proven otherwise that her children take advantage of me? They eat the food I make without thanks, they show up late for dinners they have asked me to cook!

I hate this, all of this and all the little things that travel along with this.
I don't think I'm crazy I'm just unhappy.
They're rude but I need to be on Prozak?

This is getting me nowhere

Still working on the books, slowly. Drank last night, half a bottle of red wine and barely hung over this morning.  Woke up at 3:30am haven't been able to fall back asleep due to waves of anxiety and depression.  I realized tonight that my father at my age had a house a car and 6 children already.  I wonder why I don't feel older, or more mature.  Maybe it's normal but I still don't feel ready for children.  If men have biological clocks though mines chiming away like mad. I think I really do want to have at least one child, but not yet. I can't until I can make something of myself.  I don't make enough money now, and I really need to focus (Much more than I have been) on getting several of the books I've written published.  Then at least I won't feel like an utter failure. I can convince myself that these first 34 years have just been me learning people, getting to know the world and understand interactions. Ha! Don't think I'll drink again soon.  Can't abide such deeply emotional nights when I'm up and alone.  My mind is sometimes unkind.

A week later a mom shorter

Well Mom's on her way back home tomorrow is down with her brother today.  Blues picnic in the parc today, no work done on my book but did do a lot of writing on possibly the next one. Have decided I need to print out a copy of my book in a format where I can read through it and make corrections or improvements while at work.  Since I cannot take my laptop into work I need to find a new way to possibly work on my most active and urgent book, instead of always moving forward with writing other ones.

Mum's the word

Mom's in town. Any excuse not to get work done right?  I know we're poor right now but was it bad I took today off work?  I didn't think so until I saw the incredulous look and she said "you're not going to work tomorrow either?" Then it doesn't bother her on her days off that I leave work after an hour to come home and take her shopping. Oh well I learn a lot about tension between different women when my mother comes to visit.  This is only the second time to this house, god knows how my sisters will be when they come out next since I'm sure they'll have made up their minds about how to act here before they get here.  I was much happier in my ignorance, I usually had more than one woman around (Girls really I was still a teen back then) I was oblivious to their interaction, saw their snarls and glares and was able to completely ignore them.  Now anchored in a strong relationship every one of those glares is a tempest, on sweet sounding false word between the women sends rolls and crests deep into my future.  Already I must plan for the next visit, keep these two separate, don't mention this or that.  Aching eyeteeth batman! I never had to watch what I said before. I am not a gossip but if you say something , repeat something and some woman looks at you with a prefatory gleam in her eye as if she'd just seen a three legged wildebeest run behind you, Shut your mouth and never return to the subject! These innocent recollections feed the small fires of feminine jealousy and spite creating holocausts of bruised feelings and  future enmity,  I thought men were the territorial and jealous ones.
      So as I said Mom's in town and I'd better watch my tongue around the little woman, and in reverse around my mother.

fool and far between

Silly I guess to think that I would be able to come back to writing all the time on my blog. I spend about 3 hours everyday handwriting and try to get 2 to 3 hours of typing in converting my chicken-scratch to digital text.  After that it's unrealistic to think I might want to write here too, but I want to try.  So starting at least a once a week writing update.

This week: wrote a triumphant 7,000 word grand climax to Carolyn's Adventure, still unsure on what title to use, have absolutely no ideas.  I need to find an impartial reader to proof for me, the people I know think of reading as some sort of slow torture, maybe if I film myself turning the pages, mix in pictures of pretty people. Oh well, not finished in any case, still have post climax slowdown to write, the happy ever after.  Then I need to continue my progress through updating my verb usage, some of my early writing on this story is really passive. I was in story telling mode, more interested in getting the story and  the various ideas I was juggling together in one place and I think my action scenes suffered somewhat.

On Josey and Glen, also need a real title, I've got to start thinking on this subject earlier, I've been done with the full rough draft for over a month now. It's too short right now 55,000 words, and a little too racy. Not really shooting for young reader I know I never would have read anything back in my teens that was dumbed down and emotion-ed up like some of those are. It's really amazing theres such a market for it, but I guess theres a lot of young readers wanting to get into fantasy without the heavy complication of classic epic fantasy.  But it's a little to R rated, kind of takes over the story, also shortens it quite a bit if you take out all the romance and early relationship struggles and jump straight to sex.

Fried and True

Those were some of the worst excuses for not writing I've ever come up with. Not that I would tell you what they were, they'r e the type of excuse which only sounds good in your head.  Saying them out loud reveals how witless and weak they really are. Far worse than the dog ate it or a pack of rabid kindergarteners stole it from me after viciously beating at me around the knees.